End of Day -8 and Day -7: I was "kicked out" :(

"We must the onward path pursue,

As wider fields expand to view,

And follow him unceasingly,

Whate'er our lot or sphere may be." 

- Hymn: "Come, Follow Me"

So guys, I must have jinxed myself... or Kal. When the Lactation Specialist came to see me yesterday, she said that basically I would just have to pick a day to stop nursing him and stick with it. After that and some thought, I figured he won't get anywhere with weaning if I keep offering him to nurse every time he refuses the bottle. So, after a little bit of thought, I just decided, "no more." As the days pass on and his body's immune system is becoming more and more weak, I would rather him be safe and away from taking my breastmilk than perhaps ending up in the ICU or worse because of some random infection that could possibly happen from nursing. I keep trying to remind myself to have the future in mind.

Wellllll, about that. Kal has not nursed since around 1 p.m. yesterday (yeah, Tuesday... and sorry, since I'm writing this post so late, you'll probably be reading this Thursday or later, so when I say "today," I am meaning Wednesday). Anyway, yup, his little stubborn self has decided to go on a hunger strike. He absolutely refuses to take a bottle from me or the 2 nurses that tried, no matter what we try and what we change to see what will work. He didn't eat anything the rest of the day, except for a couple syringes full of formula as well as his medicines.  Since he didn't have a wet diaper for a good while before he went to bed, the nurse decided it would be best to hook him up to some IV fluids over the night so he does not get dehydrated. Poor little boy! I felt so bad for him. He was obviously so hungry, and was crying a lot. The only way to succor his anger and sadness was either from the pacifier or if he would be so upset that he'd cry himself to sleep. All the crying made me feel so weary. It is so hard to hear your child screaming and see them looking at you with the saddest expression, as if to say, "Why, mama? Help me, mama! Why don't you help me?" Oh it just breaks my heart and makes me want to curl up and cry. That facial expression is engrained into my mind now, and every time I take a moment to recount it, it just makes my stomach turn and my head spin. Ahh, I can hardly stand it.

His new IV so he won't get dehydrated.

On top of that, Kal's doctors dicussed what the plan would be next to help Kal wean. Their last suggestion was to "kick me out" for a few days. Basically, they said with some kids, it sometimes works if the nursing mother leaves the hospital for at least 2 days, if not 3. That way, he can not smell me and therefore, in theory, would be less likely to reject the bottle, even though the nurses tried to give him a bottle and he still refused. Anyway, they said after at least one day, Kal should supposedly realize that this is his only choice of liquid food he will be offered, so he will, as the doctors put it, "sometime get hungry enough that he will eat from the bottle." Okay, yup, because it's always that easy... At least we have been blessed beforehand that Jonald has this week off so he could help settle us in to the hospital anyway. That way, he could stay at the hospital with Kal while I have to stay away for a couple of days.

Honestly, I'm not too excited about trying this plan out. I mean, what parent would be? I just feel so guilty leaving my sick son in the hospital, and leaving my husband with a cranky, hungry kid that doesn't was to eat from the bottle. The only thing keeping me on this plan is the fact that as much as I hate how stubborn and grumpy he is now, I would hate it more if he got an awful infection and damaged even more parts of his body, or worse, saying that when his immune system will be at it's lowest,  a simple, common cold could kill him. If this plan is our last resort, we might as well try, right? If it doesn't work, at least we can say we tried.

During the night, he must've been exhausted from all of the crying because he slept great through the night. Even though I had been pumping a little and using my awesome-smelling cabbage leaves yesterday, I kept waking up in the middle of the night with so much pain. Without going into too much detail, basically weaning, especially trying to do it that fast, is OUCHIE!

This morning, Kal woke up in a good mood. That is, until the hunger set in. I had the thought that if he would take some baby food, maybe that would help him get the calories and nutrition he needs to help him feel a little better. He was never good at eating baby food at home, but today I tried giving him some peaches (baby food) and he finished the whole thing! A miracle! He then seemed to feel a whole lot better and was able to get a good nap in after that.

Chomping on his pacifier because he's so hungry this morning.

After his nap, he seemed hungry again, so I figured I would try to give him formula again- no go. But, on the other hand, he ended up finishing the package of pears and a half package of squash. Miracle again! That helped him settle into his next nap, along with the fact that he was given another dose of Tylenol and Benadryll. (Side note: his nurse calls Benadryl, "Benny," and it cracks me up in my mind when I hear her say, "Allrighty, we're gonna get Benny for you." At first I thought she was talking about a person named Benny, so it took a moment to realize she was talking about his medicine instead.)

Then, Jonald showed up during Kal's nap. My heart lifted to see him again, but it also sank with the thought that I would soon have to leave both him and Kal there, alone, for at least 2 days, if not 3. I tried to hold myself together as I said goodbye to Jonald, Kal, and Kal's nurse. Once in the car, it took me a good couple minutes to convince myself that it was all going to be okay, and that I could allow myself to go home for a couple of days.

Getting home lightened my mood. Waiting for me were wonderful dinners, side dishes, and goodies sent by our lovely sisters from our LDS Church ward. They are all so sweet and giving.

Also, Kayelee came to greet me at the garage door as I came in. She was so excited to see me. Perhaps the reason Kal is not weaning for now is so I could spend some Mommy-daughter time with Kayelee for a little bit. Perhaps? I was trying to find answers in my mind as to why he's been struggling so hard with this whole weaning ordeal. I think for now, I just need to remember to trust in God's plan, for he has much better foresight that I. (;

More miracles, though! Jonald fed Kal baby food, mixed with some formula and baby rice around 5 and 9 tonight, and guess what? He ate it all again! Jonald said he ate the food super fast. That made my day to hear that, especially when he sent me these adorable pictures via text, with the cute captions to go along with them:

"Mommy, look at how much I ate!!! I was even leaning towards the spoon and Daddy fed me so fast and I ate them so fast, too. It is a combination of peaches baby food, 2 T baby rice, and 2 oz of formula."

"I want more foooooooood!"

How cute are those pictures?! Ahh, I miss this baby so much already. Oh, and my hubby too. (;

Anyway, I better get off of here. I was told Sudafed helps dry up your milk while weaning, so I just took some before sitting in bed to write this, and I am swinging in and out of a sleeping state right now.

We could always use prayers on behalf of Kal, specifically that he will be able to relax and take a bottle when Jonald tries again tomorrow. Thank you everyone for the prayers, love, help, encouragement, and support already!